“At least if I’ll finally find a way to let go, give me a reason. Tell me what you see in me from the first time that keeps your heart far away from me. Please. At least do this for me so that I can find a way to adjust in my later love story.”
As I was chatting with her on Whatsapp, I could feel a deep sore cruelly engraved at the centre of my heart. I could see myself crying without tears; losing everything I never for once possessed.
After a few seconds she replied, and I was lost.
“Nothing” Nothing? Did she really mean I would lose everything for nothing? All my efforts, all my fights, all my time, all my thoughts, all my calculated plans? I would lose all my life, just for nothing? Nothing would be my first love story? I tried to comprehend the situation, but I could not. I could not just comprehend it: could not comprehend the end to the last moment of my first love story.
My first love story started even before I became a teenager, though I could not remember the exact age. I loved girls so much when I was in Junior Secondary School that I seldom moved with boys. Beautiful girls swarmed around me like bees probably because my mom was a little bit rich and I was really handsome. No pride. I really had great times being with them. The reminiscence of those days, often made me squeeze my face smiling. I was really charming.
We both attended the same Junior Secondary School and lived in the same neighbourhood. Although those things we had in common were enough to spring some feelings, we were simply acquainted. I got my cliques; and she had hers. That time, I could not really remember what transpired that created such unimaginable distance between us. Maybe I considered her not to be my taste of a girl.
Life truly is unpredictable. It was incredible when I realised I started developing feelings for her when we got separated. That was after our final exams for Junior Secondary School. She was taken to a boarding school for her Senior Secondary School education while I proceeded mine at the same school, Obafemi Awolowo International School, Ile-Ife. We lost connections while the seedlings of my feelings for her started germinating. And I was oblivion of the development.
The reality started crawling in during holiday periods. Once there was a holiday, she would come to the neighbourhood. Fortunately for me, my cousin lived in the same neighbourhood and his house was beside her father’s. Several times, I would pretend as if I was paying my cousin a visit just to see her.
On her own part too, she would leave her house and come to my cousin’s side. So, we had great times together, chatting about those days in Junior Secondary School, while I would be updating her about the current situations in her former school. She would also talk to me about her school conditions and the likes. We really had a great time. Looking back now, I would have wished we never grew up. I would have wished we never really grew matured.
Whenever I was leaving my cousin’s house, she would see me off. Several times on the way, I would want to tell her how much I loved her, how much I wanted to be with her. Expression always failed me those days. Although I was a baddoo, I did not have such courage of telling a girl that I loved her. I just preferred playing with them. Yet the feelings I had towards this particular girl was different from others, and I was afraid to pour out the torrent in my mind. I was afraid of the unknown.
“Elizabeth,” one day I finally summoned courage to tell her how I felt towards her.
“Yes,” she answered.
“I’ve wanted to tell you something for a long time,” I started and I ended, somehow perspiring. I could not utter the next statement. I was just perambulating around the main purpose of the conversation I started. She pestered me to tell her what I said I wanted to tell her for a long time. I could not say the combination of just four words until she said she had to go back home after seeing me off to the usual destination.
I lost the flow; I lost my courage; I lost my heart.
“I love you Elizabeth!”I finally screamed the four words several times. But it was too late. I was sure she was already in her house. I was just there in the balcony of my father’s house torturing my emotions, disturbing the empty house with my silent scream.
As times passed by, she kept on disturbing and pestering me about what I wanted to tell her the other time. I just kept on lying to her. Whenever I actually told her one of those lies, she would tell me I was lying. She caught me red-handed. Looking back now, I kept wondering if she actually knew what I wanted to say. Did she know I loved her already but was just waiting for me to say it? And most importantly, did she feel the same way? I wished I could get an answer each to this emotional questions that would not let me be.
Nevertheless, all talks about my feelings somehow stopped. She ceased to ask me questions, I ceased to give her a clue to my feelings. We simply shared gist about our schools and other related stuffs. With that, we moved on happily ever after.
We both sat down for Senior Secondary School Certificate Examination. She finally graduated from the Federal Government College, Ipetumodu. We were then both seeking admission into tertiary institutions of our different choices. She was processing admission for Accounting in the University of Abuja while I was processing admission for Medicine and Surgery in Obafemi Awolowo University, OAU. During that period we spent more times together and our friendship grew stronger. Then, I didn’t need my uncle as a cover-up anymore. We both visited each other regularly. People in the neighbourhood, together with our parents, all knew we were close friends. I was sure some even thought we were dating. Yet, I was afraid to express my feelings. What the hell my problem was then?
Finally, we both gained admissions as exactly as we wanted. She travelled to Abuja for her university education while I stayed in Ile-Ife for mine. We got separated again, but thank God for social media. Through 2go, we were able to connect on our smartphones. We would spend several hours chatting, sharing experiences just like the old days.
After a whole session in OAU, I was finally groomed from a boy into a man. I could finally confront her and express my feelings to her. Fortunately for me, or should I say unfortunately for me, the holiday that marked the end of us being freshers in our different schools was immediately succeeded by the nation-wide six-month strike embarked upon by the Academic Staff Union of Universities, ASUU. She came back home to Ile-Ife, and I finally expressed my feelings, which I had been hoarding since, to her.
It all started without a thoughtful beginning. It was really a long night. Although her father’s house was not far from mine, that night, the distance became farer. What a pity for me!
On that fateful day, I was the one who visited her in the house. We shared our experiences as usual and cracked some jokes. When it was around eight in the evening, I finally told her I was leaving, and as usual, she saw me off. On our way, we talked a little and I finally told her, not screaming to an empty house this time, but right to her face.
“Elizabeth I have feelings for you. I want you to be mine. I love you.” I finally told her with OAU guys’ courage, though scared within.
“Are you serious?”She asked with that feminine voice, and I was startled. My blinded eyes were then wide open. I realised she was not the same girl I grew up with. She had become a lady just like I had become a man. A man? I cast doubts on that.
“What do you mean?”My courage was turning its back against me. “Elizabeth. I’m not joking. I love you and I want to have you in my life. I want you to be my lady.”
“No, it can’t be. I don’t feel the same way,” she calmly replied and I surely knew I was in deep trouble. “I only like you as a friend,” she continued.
“Try to understand me Elizabeth, no matter how hard I think about it, you’re the only one my heart beats for. Elizabeth I love you. You’re the only one my heart desires. Please, give me a chance to prove my love for you. Please, give me a chance to show you how much I love you.” So, I pleaded with her, oblivious of the fact that I was going to be repeating similar statements for the next four years.
“I really love you too. Just that it won’t work out. Try to understand and reason with me. I’m now studying in Abuja while you’re studying in Ife here. The relationship won’t work out. I love you, but as a friend.”
“Elizabeth please let’s give it a try.” I pleaded further, almost weeping without tears.
“No. And besides, I don’t feel the same way. The thought of dating you never even crossed my mind.”
That night was a nightmare for me. It was like we were cast in a tragic love movie. I pleaded with her, begged her, draining my whole energy just to convince her to love me, all to no avail. It was like she knew a day like that would come. Like an efficient defendant in a Court of Law, she was well prepared for her defenceagainst my proposal. And she was actually winning, tearing all my claims to pieces. She made me look like a fool, or perhaps a clown. She caught me unaware, my pants down.
Finally, I let go of her around 11:45 pm. That was indeed the longest night we ever had. That was the first time I could not sleep throughout the whole night without being in infirmity. Maybe I was actually sick, in my mind though. I spent the whole night thinking about what might have happened. Where had I gone wrong? On my bed I laid down turning left and right – restless. I thought it would be easy since we had been together for a long time, but I was wrong. She showed me I was wrong and the rest was just a story.
And there I was, four years later, on the 17th of July, 2016, chatting with her on Whatsapp, still pleading my claims. The frustrating part about those years was that as days passed by, my love for her kept growing stronger and deeper. I even wrote her a beautiful poem once. In the course of love, everyone is a poet. She saw it and she was even dazed by its exceptionality, yet she would not still unseal her heart. I just finished my 300 level studying medicine and surgery, and I could not believe that I could not find someone else to replace my love for her. Then, I was scared. I had to close that chapter of my life before it became something else. Before I would not let go anymore. Before it became an obsession.
We spent some time chatting and it was the same old story: she loved me, but she loved me just as a friend. To worsen the matter, she even told me she had a boyfriend already.
If I would finally go down, if I would finally let go of her, I did not want to do so easily. And that was the beginning of this story. All I wanted from her then was a reason, the reason she decided not to reciprocate my love for her. The reason she did not feel the same way. Her reason was nothing. She chose not to love me for nothing. Like seriously? Or was she actually being economical with the truth? Did she actually have a real reason for not loving me? I did not think so. Elizabeth could not have done that. We were closer than that. She would not have hidden the truth from me. Funnily, as the chat went on, she even said I was cool and nice. She just did not feel the same way.
That was how nothing ended my first love story and I finally moved on, searching for a better love story. My name is Olaoluwa, and I am single and searching.
